I’m officially boycotting Facebook quizzes.  Sure, they began innocent enough with things like “Where is your ideal dream vacation?” and “If you were wine, what type would you be?”  Then something changed.  I’m packing up my feelings and going home.  First, I took the “What is your spirit animal?” quiz.  I naively considered that I’m social like a chimpanzee, care about my community like a meerkat, and freakin’ adorable like a puppy (ahem, just let me have that one…).  I squeezed my eyes shut and made the international excited white girl noise “Squeeekers!”… only to discover that the damn result was a whale.  My spirit animal is a whale!?  Sure, I know I am plus sized and my singing is rather “whale-like” but this was NOT the spirit animal that fed my ego.  I was too busy pouting to read the description.  It may have said beautiful things about whales being intelligent, mysterious, blah, blah, blah.  As long as I’m concerned, it said “Like a whale, you are full of blubber, slow, sing horribly, and are sometimes crusty.”  I will admit that even before the quiz, I had a chip on my shoulder against whales.  Early in our marriage, Trey and I spent 6 months at Ft.Lee, Virginia while he went to Officer’s Basic Course.  We took a couple weekend excursions to Virginia Beach and spent what little money we had to go on 3 “Whale Watching Tours.”  Groups before and after our tours, boasted stories of majestic  whales breaking the surface to blow water from their blow holes and splashing water with their impressive takes.  Unfortunately the whales didn’t see fit to show up while we were on the water.  The tour guide explained “I guess they are hiding?”  Seriously!?  How the heck does a creature the size of a semi-truck hide?  (*Note: on our 10 year anniversary trip to San Juan Island, we did see several Orcas but I’ve never forgiven the snobby grey whales of Virginia.)  You know what I say to having a whale as my spirit animal!?  Kiss my blowhole!

The very next day after taking the spirit animal quiz, I noticed that several Facebook friends had taken a quiz to determine how old they actually look.  I hoped my freckles and youthful spirit would tip the scales in my favor.  Nope.  According to the Facebook bullies I look 53.  Yep, 53.

As if those weren’t enough, I then took a quiz to learn who my Disney Doppelganger might be.  Let’s review my looks.  I have shoulder length brown hair, hazel eyes, freckles, and carry extra survival weight.  The quiz identified that my doppelgänger is…Mulan!?  I am an Asian teenager?  At this point, I began to question the validity of these quizzes.  

The quiz that identifies the user’s “Facebook twin” told me that my twin was Conway Sanitation.  Yep, my twin is the city dump.  Figures…

i decided to take one more quiz to determine if I was being too picky or if my luck was truly jinxed.  One simple “win-win quiz.”  Something that couldn’t bring me down.  I found the perfect one!  “Are you a cat person or a dog person?”  (*Note: I’m definitely a dog person.  Cats make me itch and I don’t like their attitudes.)  I took the quiz…drumroll please…and my result was “You should not own pets.”

FINE!  I quit!  I’m not taking any more stupid quizzes.  I’m like the DUFF of quizzes!?  (*DUFF stands for “Designated Ugly Fat Friend and came from a book and then movie of the same name.)  My quiz results serve to make others feel good about their own results.  Seriously, I’m a 53-year-old whale that likes to hang out with the sanitation department and I am not fit to own pets or sell tickets at the box office.  My fragile ego can’t handle any more bad news.  I don’t want to learn that I ought to live in a cave away from others, that I’ll die from leprosy, my ideal season is “hurricane season”, or that I should have lived during the black plague.  These quizzes have caused me to question my self-worth and require additional emotional “strokes” from my loved ones.  “Jack, please tell mama she looks like Belle!”  “Logan, wouldn’t you agree that I’ve been very chimpanzee today?”  “Trey, will you take out the trash.  I’m trying to put distance between me and the sanitation department.”  “Mojo and Banjo, I love you and am sorry if I’ve failed you as an owner.”  I’ve decided that I am not going to take any more quizzes.  Each morning when I check Facebook, I’m going to repeat my new mantra “Lauren is more than a Facebook quiz.”  Thank goodness, I’ve never tried a “TBH”!?  I’m simply too fragile.  If only there was a medication to help me through this difficult period of self assessment and anxious reflection?  If only I could answer a few unrelated questions and receive a perfect solution.  If only…