Dear Future Husband

If you listen to top 40 radio, you have certainly heard Meghan Trainor’s new song “Dear Future Husband.”  Its catchy and cute.  She details what any prospective partner would need to know about her likes and dislikes.

“Dear Future Husband”

Dear future husband,
Here’s a few things
You’ll need to know if you wanna be
My one and only all my life(Ohhhhh)
Take me on a date
I deserve it, babe
And don’t forget the flowers every anniversary
‘Cause if you’ll treat me right
I’ll be the perfect wife
Buying groceries
Buy-buying what you need (etc)
link to full lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/meghantrainor/dearfuturehusband.html
If I could rewind my life 13 years, I wonder what my instructions for Trey would have been.  The letter of 13 years ago and the letter I could write in the present would likely look like they were from two different people.  Marriage includes raw experiences never considered during an engagement or we’d have run.  I’ll leave the song lyrics to Meghan because I’d hate to show her up.
Dear Future Husband (aka Trey)
Here’s a few things you’ll need to know if you wanna be my one and only all my life.  (Ohhhh)
  • Date nights are nice but sometimes the most romantic thing you can do is leave me alone.
  • Shhhh…don’t talk.  Seriously, sometimes I need to rediscover my own thoughts.
  • I’m likely to be hysterical several times a week for no reason.  Just pat me on the back and say “there, there.”
  • Pregnancy will entail 40 something weeks of me bitching about EVERYTHING.  At the end of it, you will be rewarded with a giant baby.  (twice)
  • Speaking of pregnancy, your genes create enormous children that during the birth process will rip me in half.  Be prepared to be reminded of this during every argument for the rest of your life.  Seriously, they are giant.
  • At some point I will consider yoga pants “dressing up.”
  • Unless you are going to fix my hair, you have no right to tell me how to fix it.  Whatever “do” I’m sporting, you will compliment.
  • You know how you love my ambition and focus?  This will soon transform into nagging.  You’ve been warned.
  • My cry isn’t pretty like the cries on tv.  Prepare for snot and guttural noises.
  • At some point in the future one of us (I’ll keep the details vague) will have an unusual bump on their nether regions and will require the partner to do a thorough inspection.  This will scar you both tremendously.
  • Poop will become a frequent topic in our marriage.  Your poop, my poop, our kids’ poop, our dogs’ poop, etc.
  • My cooking skills will improve significantly over the course of our marriage but my budgeting will likely not.
  • I love online shopping.  Prepare yourself.
  • During one of my pregnancies, your smell will make me vomit for 5 1/2 months.  Don’t take it personally.
  • I don’t like to be interrupted when I’m reading a good book.
  • I will always love you even when I don’t really like you.
  • I will never pop your zits.  Don’t ask.
  • I will win 99% of our arguments even if I’m wrong.
  • I love to celebrate holidays.  I don’t require expensive or elaborate gifts but bad choices will not be forgotten.  I will never ask for a balloon animal making kit.  Don’t buy it as a birthday gift because I’ll never let you forget that choice.  I will also never let you forget buying me microwave popcorn for Christmas or jellybeans in a jar that says “You are my jelly belly.” for Valentine’s Day.
  • Very little will be sacred.  I will joke about most things and if I know it is good for a laugh, I’ll probably share private stories.  It’s the Weatherly gene.
  • I’m not a good housekeeper.
  • Someday I’ll decide to begin a blog about our kids.  Most entries will be about you.

With love and apologies,

Your future wife,

Lauren

p.s. I love you Trey!

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