Porcelean Noses and Gluten Free Catnip

I’ve previously admitted that I like online shopping. There are no lines, all pictures fit my eyeballs, and I don’t have to stress over a parking spot. I do like to shop in person, sometimes, but I have rules. I don’t like the mall. There are too many choices and I end up buying nonsense I don’t want. I don’t like stores that attack you when you walk in. Shoe Carnival is the stuff of nightmares. I don’t want to spin the wheel and I don’t want to dance for an extra coupon. I have given up standing in long lines for consignment sales. I know there are good deals inside but time is money, folks!? Maybe if I had a girl to dress up, I’d care more about clothes, but my boys are going to muddy up anything I bring home. There is little point in waiting hours for something that will have holes, stains, or chewed off zippers in no time. I LOVE bookstores but only if I’m in the position to browse alone.

When I am out shopping, I play a silly game in my head. I try to find the most absurd item possible. I don’t necessarily buy my findings but I frequently take pictures! Frog statues doing yoga, large porcelain noses, wooden geese wearing French maid costumes, etc. In my dream world, I’d have a room in my home dedicated to absurd curios. My blogging idol, Jenny Lawson (If you don’t follow “The Bloggess” you ought to be ashamed! Her book “Lets Pretend This Never Happened” is a life changer…well, maybe that is a stretch, but you will laugh A LOT!) has a bad taxidermy collection. I’ll admit that I’m a little jealous! Who doesn’t want to proudly display a squirrel wearing a prairie dress in their home?

The other day, I ran into our local big box pet store to grab food because my dogs keep insisting on eating. (high maintenance) I stopped to look at all of the dog outfits. It makes me laugh to imagine Banjo wearing clothes. It makes me laugh a lot.  As a basset hound, she already looks sad or irritated most of the time. A sweater with rhinestones and pompons would surely put her over the edge. Mojo, my beloved mutt, does have a “thundershirt” to help her not lose her shit when it storms but we draw the line there. No other clothing for our pups. Sigh…if only the studded leather jacket wasn’t so expensive. Mojo could rock that look. Totes.

I also found gluten free cat grass on sale. This led to so many questions! I thought gluten was a wheat-related thing. If so, wouldn’t all grass be gluten free? Or is wheat a grass? When I’m mowing my yard, am I mowing wheat? Could I make bread out of it? Since when are cats requiring a gluten free diet? What happened to survival of the fittest? Can dogs be gluten intolerant? How would I know if Mojo or Banjo was gluten intolerant? Could this explain Banjo being a pain in the butt? My brain exploded! More reasons to dislikes cats!

I do enjoy walking around the store and looking at the various ways people can spend money on their pets. I love walking by a shopper asking their pet what they ought to buy.  I’m sure my dogs have opinions but I don’t ask them in public.  I also don’t take these crazies out.  Wrangling two kids is challenge enough, add two dogs and I’m certainly due for an award…or straight jacket!  I’ll admit that prior to having children, Trey and I spent a lot of money on our first babies, Jagger and Mojo. Once Logan came along, that changed. Jagger resented the change and tried to eat Logan’s face but that’s a story for another time. Mojo blamed Trey (can you tell that she’s MY dog?) and only began acknowledging his presence this year. Logan also loves walking around the pet store. It was just recently that I allowed him to accompany me in the store again. We took a prolonged sabbatical after a trip when he was 4 years old. As we were checking out with the dog food he announced, I just ate a yummy cheeto!” GAG!? There is no telling what “cheeto” he found on the floor of a pet store!? I still have to coat his tongue with hand sanitizer when I think of that story!

My game can easily backfire. Please be advised! Once, I made Trey accompany me to the big box craft store. I’m sure this was before we were married, otherwise he wouldn’t have been likely to go. (Also, I now do my best to avoid that store because of political reasons. Trey cheered that particular decision because for once a soapbox saved him money!) As I remember it, we were walking by the large furniture items near the entry and I yelled “Look Trey! I win! That is the ugliest bench I’ve EVER SEEN!?” Just then an employee stuck a SOLD sticker to the bench and told the woman right behind me that they would hold it until she returned with her truck. Oops.

Let’s make this interactive. What are some ugly or ridiculous items you’ve found while shopping?


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