Vagina Hippies and Poop…When Words Go Awry

Words, I love them. I really do. I have a couple different “word of the day apps” on my phone and love collecting new vocabulary nuggets. I don’t always use the collected words. In fact, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed a minor (undiagnosed) case of aphasia. I find myself saying ridiculous things like “Logan, when you are finished eating will you please put your shoes in the dishwasher?” I could chalk it up to stress or all the lost brain cells post-pregnancies, but I’d rather believe this is normal.

I have a clear memory of playing Barbie’s in my childhood best friend, Jessica’s bedroom. I traded her Rocker Barbie so I could play with her mom’s old freckled Barbie.   As we played we both kept using the word “pathetic.”  “Ken, you look very pathetic in that coat!” “Rocker Barbie, your concert was pathetic!” “Freckle Barbie, when you kissed Ken, it was very pathetic.” Clearly we didn’t know the appropriate use of the word but how freakin’ funny are these conversations with the wrong word!?

When he was in kindergarten, Logan told me he wanted to stay home from school and learn from the land. Part of his argument was about “nectarines” that learned before schools were invented. I took several million brain cells to finally decode his argument and realize he was referring to “Neanderthals” not “nectarines.”

Logan is now very verbal. He has a giant vocabulary and isn’t afraid to flex his linguistic muscles. However, the other day he and his buddy were making one of the most annoying language missteps. Logan said, “Setler, I dropped the ball because my arms were literally tiny t-rex arms.” Setler replied, “I literally threw that ball 100 miles per hour.” Logan later told me, “Mama, that was literally the grossest chili ever made.” Literally shaking my head…

Clearly I can’t and won’t blog about specific work experiences because I have bills and need to keep my job and license. However, over the years I have collected several mixed up word stories.   I have had counseling sessions related to dogs dying of “playdoh” (parvo) and concerns that a kid had OPP (OCD or ODD). (Autocorrect wanted to change “playdoh” to “playboy.” How timely!?) I had a client tell me they were a “perspiration” (inspiration) to everyone they met. One anger-fueled conversation ended with a client saying that they hoped I got “ameba disease.” (Ebola). My personal favorite was the session related to a client having “vagina hippies.” Can you guess one? Its like $10,000 Pyramid! The session was about genital herpes. I can’t tell you how badly I wish the Valtrex commercials would begin referring to the disease as “vagina hippies.”

Perhaps these stay in my memory because I too mix words up. When Trey and I first started dating we were driving around on back roads. I thought I’d impress him with my extensive country knowledge by pointing out a “concubine” in a local field. Trey about ran off the road due to his rubber neck. He then pulled over because the tears were flooding his eyes too much to safely drive. When he regained control of himself he corrected me and I have never forgotten the word “combine” since.

Not all word mix-up are created equal.  I’ll admit that I am a hypocritical language snob.  I already confessed to making vocabulary errors and have provided funny stories but other mess ups drive me crazy!  When I hear someone say “pacific” rather than “specific” I want to hurl.  I refuse to attend any meetings in which someone plans to “orientate” me.  I will not “borrow you the money” if you run out.  I do not feel bad for anyone that has “scratchy” arms.  I have a person in my life (eek…we’ll see who reads this…) who often asks a question in a text or email and then follows with “Just wandering?”  AHHHHHHHH!  Seriously!?   Where are you wandering while you wonder about my reply?  Yep, I’m a total hypocrite.

Jack is just developing language but already has a mixed up word (or two…see a previous blog about his love of “buttball) and I couldn’t be more pleased. He fell in love with poops. He proudly wore his poops to stomp around in the snow. We’ve corrected him but he continues to call his “boots” “poops.” I’m typically down for a good potty joke so I think this is pretty darn funny!

I literally can’t wait to here what pacific words there going to mix up next! (Ugh!)


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