Noodle of Shame

Thirty minutes after returning to work from a lunch with Trey, I discovered that I had a flippin’ noodle stuck to my shirt. How did Trey not notice the noodle on my boob (insert adult humor here)? Why didn’t the 3 people I talked to on the way to my office say anything? I wish this was my most embarrassing moment ever. Heck, I wish this was my most embarrassing moment this week!? But, those who know me well know that I have many.many.many embarrassing moments. I can pretend that embarrassing situations happen to me because my genius mind is preoccupied with solving world problems or that I’m self-actualized enough to laugh at myself but I honestly think it just comes with being awkward.

Once, in graduate school, while studying for an exam in my apartment, I stuck a ballpoint pen in my cleavage. I don’t remember doing it and can’t tell you why. But I did. Later in the day, I ran several errands around town, the last one being to the bank. While at the counter, I asked the teller for a pen so I could fill out a deposit slip. She grinned and pointed to my chest. I slowly looked down and saw my pen sticking out of the top of my v-neck top. My memory stops there but I’m fairly sure I turned red and said something like “Oh, how’d that get there?”   Niceeee…

And that is just the beginning. I once fainted from being too cold on a college float trip and awoke in someone else’s clothes. 30 of my best friends stripped off my cold, wet clothes and dressed me in warm clothes by the side of the river. Sweet friends but HELLOOO!? I was naked and unconscious…and sober!?

In an effort to avoid having my panties stolen by male campers at camp and strung up on the flag pole (a horrible tradition!?), I shoved a week’s worth of panties in my canteen but then couldn’t retrieve them and had to go commando all week.

One time I made fun of the Air Force while an entire table of AF pilots were seated directly behind me.

Have I mentioned the time I took 3 week old Logan to my work to show him off? I stumbled in a hole and rolled into a ditch with my baby clutched to my chest? (Note: he hasn’t been quite right since…just kidding. I was basically a hero and saved him from any harm. I made myself a medal.)

Also, anyone remember when I was the lead in the school play? In the final act a pivotal prop wasn’t in place and I screamed “I have it backstage!” Oops…that was the official end of my acting career!  

I recently wore a sweater inside out to an important work meeting. (The “wearing sweaters inside out” gene runs in my family, right mom?)

In middle school, I disliked my Sunday School so when my parents went to their class I hid in the bathroom instead of going to class. When standing around the bathroom grew dull, I decided to see if I could fit in a lower cabinet. When I decided to come out of the cabinet, three of the “popular” girls were standing there shocked that a not so popular girl was crawling out of a church bathroom cabinet. Folks, there is no playing it cool when you are crawling out of a cabinet.

Before having kids we went to a bar with a group of friends. While I was waiting in line for the bathroom (yep another bathroom story) a girl came up to me and grabbed my boob. Having never been educated on the proper “boob grabbing protocol” I didn’t know how to respond. I just politely patted her back on her boob and left the line to find my friends. Little did I know, all eyes had been on me and the “grab then pat” became the joke of the night. Smooth…

Seriously, I could go on and on. I can laugh at myself but still yearn for natural grace, class, and, um, integrity. Oh well…


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